A Thank you Perspective

No this is not story. Or perhaps as I am writing one...maybe it is.

Day in and day out I think of something...an idea and then there is always a "She". The dream to finally publish a novel has grown up since the day I started reflecting my thoughts to writing. Of course "She" has a big impact on it. I hope you are reading this.

I am tying to find the perfect story.

I am being told:"Don't rush it...write more and eventually you will find the masterpiece."

Well off course I am not rushing it. I know that to publish a book needs the story to be able to connect to the masses. Otherwise why would a publisher would risk his investment and time on me when there are hundreds of stories waiting to be published.

But one thing I am sure of that indeed...the perfect story starts with you!

The day I put this as my Whatsapp status is the day she pings me:

"Omg your status....don't know for whom it is...but I am flattered automatically"

Now what did she mean by that? My heart was screaming to tell her that yes, it's you,it's always has been! Is it so hard to get it?

Helplessness...yes; it is where the mind games come to play. The cycle goes on. 

Well all is part of life. These little things happen every time to many and that I hope it is one of those beautiful moments that one cherishes for a lifetime.

The feeling of love,being loved at plays a pivotal role in writing. Even sadness has an angle in every writers story.

Appreciation to your work is always good indeed. In office we feel that by an increase in salary and the ultimate finale` happens at appraisal. No wonder the results come out are in turn two phases of same unbiased coin.

When someone compliments on my writing I feel good. I feel that my writing is able to connect with the individual.They can understand my thoughts.

"Write a story on me" I was pleased to hear this when I met one of my friends.It feels nice when someone shows confidence on you,to tell their tale from my own perspective. Thank you! It means a lot to me.

Then there are other pints to learn from.

I remember people to say to me: "your stories are confusing. I am not able to understand it" 

Trust me it's hard to very gulp that! 

I ask them just where you didn't like? Rather than pondering on what went wrong it's better to ask the one who is not in sync with your thoughts; of what you want to communicate of late. 

I rarely find answers from them. But I have not lost hope. I will continue to ask people and to pursue them to read my story at least once...like the one you are reading now!

For a writer to grow it is essential for him/her to get reviews. Critical acclaim is nice but at the same time harsh reviews are also stepping stones to greatness. 

I will continuously to try to improve myself and hope everyone is able to finally to sync with my thoughts. I promise I will make my stories less predictable as some of my friends had advised me so.

The dream of the perfect story will come true one day.

Till then thank you readers..thank you for supporting me till now. I hope you will support me in my future journey.

What am I afraid of? [Part 2]

The radiance of your face is the bright sunshine of mine. 

The way she is looking towards the infinite sky is driving me nuts...oh!...that face. Then she looks at me and that is when I wake up. That dream!

Some girl...I thought of her once....but not for another moment. Well...that was yesterday.But the dream has since continued as if I am deliberately processing it. It feels like I have made a job which triggers every time I went to sleep.

I wish it were real...

Next day and the day after, I began to think of her - wondering if I could see her or not. I still didn't figure out the chill that went through the spine in that moment when I tried to talk to her. The way she looks at me in my dream...I hope she has the same dream.

She just stood there...watching...devouring and getting stronger as she pulls the essence of my soul.

I made fool of myself. Many a time I was caught staring at her class,even waited outside only for her not to be there. Where did she go? Such a shame...even I don't have her name.

Then the story went back to the place were it started with....Mr. Augustine. I was sleeping in the class...quietly.Apparently he didn't like it and so, he woke me up.

Augustine: "Go to the board and explain the subject today"

Me:"What?"  I looked around and replied again: "me?"

Augustine:"Yes you heard it...now go fast!"

He was slowly getting the hold on the class...I was happy for it but the current situation that I was in was not at all cool. Come on...I was not even disturbing...just minding my own business.

Speaking in front of the whole class...I don't even know the topic to speak to. I could see wide open eyes looking at me like owls in a pitch dark night. My row mates were having quite a fun,silently waving and cheering for me.

What would I do now? Even I was not able to move...The only words coming out of my mouth were those awful "um mm...uh hmm". Even I hate that!

I checked the time...triiiingg...yes it was the screeching sound of the bell marking the end of the session. Phew...that was close! I could see Mr. Augustine being shocked...he must be thinking:"But...but...I had him".

I saw her again. She was passing by my class...taking a tour maybe. Yes! This is the moment...my class is over and I can finally meet her...talk to her.

I rushed outside keeping Mr. Augustine at bay. Off course it's not his territory to rule now.

It was simple dull-wittiness.What else would you call it. I could see her nowhere.It's not that she simply vanished but the fact that I simply processed her in my mind. Seriously it is taking a toll...and I don't even know her yet!

The "phenomena" continued for some days.But I hope to see her again...just a glimpse maybe. For the next two three days the wait was never-ending yielding the same result- nope...nope and nope! I was now convinced that it was all in my mind-the one I was afraid of. Just why?

Moments will come and go but you can only give the test this one time.You fail it and then more fear of supple` will follow. So I was writing the internal after thorough before night preparation and was feeling damn confident. Test seemed easy...or I have actually out solid effort in it. I was finishing my papers in a flash.

Confidence and then mind manifestations- the first ,cause I was rocking the test. The second...oh...because I saw her again. But this time I had enough of it. Enough of being treating myself as a loser and running behind the girl who doesn't even know me and vice-versa. I crammed my head into the papers again hoping to let the dream go away.

Hey! I think she is still there...sitting outside my class and she is looking straight at me. She was probably waiting for me till me test got over. Huh! Talk of approach. At least she didn't make a joke of her as I did to myself.

The acts of stupidity.Though I do heavy retrospection on my actions, but still there is something that I will do to make it worse. You know luck plays a important part too or maybe every time I make an excuse to lose her. Many a time I wanted to see her but she doesn't appear. Then there's a time when I am very busy...like this test I am undergoing. This is the time she has to grace with her presence.

Interesting how we wish things to play as per our own terms. Nevertheless, everything was going just opposite of my will and thinking. Many guys say that it's because of the girl...but it's not...it's practically everything I do. One day I entered the elevator and pressed the button to go up...but it didn't work. I had to take the stairs to the eighth floor only to find students getting out the elevator. Like how? Anyway I had taken all of them as a coincidence till today.

It's been 3 months...yes...I calculated. The one,two days went pretty fast enough. She was still sitting in on a chair beside my class.The class ended and yes...at least I had a chance to talk to her. Finally!

What am I afraid of? Yes this is moment I am terrified of. What to say? How to approach? How will she perceive me to be? am I looking normal or I am being too overconfident? we can't keep calm here.

That's why we listen to Eminem...consider the track "Lose Yourself" in background:

His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy

There's vomit on his sweater already, mom's spaghetti

He's nervous, but on the surface he looks calm and ready to drop bombs,

But he keeps on forgetting what he wrote down,

The whole crowd goes so loud

He opens his mouth, but the words won't come out

He's choking how, everybody's joking now

The clock's run out, time's up, over, bloah!

Heart racing ...stomach aching I went towards her at brisk pace...then slowing my pace down realizing it was too fast. I was thinking of too many things for my brain to compile at a time and it was inevitable to crash and so I snapped back to reality

She was looking straight at me and before I could say anything she says:"I don't know you and I don't want you following me all the time"

I could hear my friends laughing back there. But I never expected what just happened. Oh...she added more: "I am not interested"

I could only say ok. That's more than enough. Seriously there nothing more to write here as I didn't even think of it much...yes..apart from that go to hell!

But hey...the elevator mystery is still there.I just can't make it work.Maybe it is my utter ignorance of pressing the wrong buttons. I mean...who does that? Even I cleared the toughest Mechanical exam without studying(yes...I am a bit exaggerating) 

And so I went to next semester. We had new class in our new mechanical block. Actually the management decided to isolate the whole mechanical block...far away from all other engineering groups. How will we see the girls now?

It's not that mechanical doesn't have girls...oh...they are good...some are from Bhutan while some are Chinese and the rest are Malaysian. I can't help to understand their language...lest of what they want to convey. I shouldn't have taken this course. I can never understand of why every girl runs away from us. Not that we are  rude or something. Yes we are a little desperate...just to get some love. Nothing much...but still. We are the definition of forever alone.

I had a plan that I will start this semester with a bang. From day one I thought to be in the books ...to make it my valentine. Valentine's week came and went but I never touched the books nor I had a valentine(silently sobs).Yes every now and then I happen to have a zeal to do something but then I end up doing nothing. I call this Black Magic.

I have started bunking classes which I feared to never do it in my life. But astonishingly my attendance crosses seventy five percent....I get it...Proxy! Sometime even the faculty in his embarrassment marks everyone present as he finds single digit attendance for their classes. So I decided...that I will only attend those classes to which I have some interest...or those whose classes are in the basement(I have grown the habit of being lazy).

My attendance has now shot up to ninety percent! I was just enjoying it...doing what cool guys did...night out with buddies, on the rocks party. If I still had time then I used to watch movies and some porn too. We have to satisfy ourselves somehow right. I felt this is it. I am in heaven...or cloud nine or so as they say though I never asked or understood the true meaning of it.

Every weekend I now travel to my home Amritsar. Sometime I even went to Vyas...sitting on the bank of river Vyas alone. The sunset is magnificent here. I used to stay there remembering about everything.

Sometime I feel of what I have become. I fear what will I show to my parents when I complete my degree. Will I ever complete it? Even if I do it successfully, will anyone give me a job?

The cycle continues. Retrospection and deceitful ignorance! That's how it is.

End semester exams are coming. I told to myself that I will never pass it as I had never opened the book throughout this whole semester. A day before the semester I opened  the book just for formality... to give them some respect. After finishing two chapters I felt weak...god studied too much. I closed my books and went to sleep. Anyway I will fail tomorrow!

Next day the question paper came. First page,second...third...hey this seems awkward. I could attempt seventy percent of those question. Cool...effective learning...huh! I never the remaining questions. I just rewrote the answers of what I had attempted previously.

Na chai na burger...chewing gum; na girlfriend na friend...forever alone; na notes na xerox...google; na study all night aur na copy paste...khud ke answer banata tha; na padhta tha aur degree pe rota tha...sapno me khoya rehta tha; roz nahata tha...class me sota tha...na girlfriend na bottle...only chicken; na Fifa na warfare...Prince of Persia.
(No Tea no Burger....only chewing gum. No girlfriend no friend...forever alone. No notes no xerox...google. No study all night neither copy paste...I made my own answers. I never studied but felt crying looking at my degree. I was lost in my dreams. Regularly I went to class to sleep. No girlfriend no bottle...only chicken. No fifa no warfare...only prince of Persia)

I hope everything goes fine...